Ashleigh Knight spent a decade in a ‘blackout state’ with her ex-partner, and still to this day, wakes up not knowing if she will ever escape her past.
Between 2019 and 2020, Ms Knight took a courageous step to leave a challenging situation marked by physical and emotional abuse, her ex-partner’s struggles with alcoholism, and financial hardship.
Though her leaving sparked new challenges, Ms Knight remained hopeful, knowing that her story could inspire others experiencing domestic violence to find the courage to leave, just as she did not too long ago with her two young daughters.
What began as a typical night out in her early 20s, in which she met her ex-partner, quickly spiralled into what Ms Knight would later describe as ‘absolute hell.’
Shortly after they met, Ms Knight and her ex-partner moved in together in Mill Park and she fell pregnant with their first child. Ms Knight said their relationship was ‘good to start with’, but now as she reflects on the situation, notices many unsettling changes in her ex-partner’s behaviour.
“He was okay to start off with, but he got worse over time with his alcohol. The violence kept getting worse,” she said.
“When you live in domestic violence, you live in a blackout state. I was basically present in the world, but I didn’t know what was happening around me, and then I had my second child with him.”
During challenging times, Ms Knight clung to blind hope and the presence of her children as a reason to stay, even surrendering control of her bank accounts—a decision that would quickly leave her finances in ruins.
“[He] tarnished my credit card file [and] would put so much finance in my name—took my identity basically—and then wondered why rent and bills couldn’t get paid because he spent it all on alcohol,” she said.
Ms Knight said she often considered leaving, but after leaving the first time, returned when her ex-partner promised to change his abusive behaviours, such as his alcohol dependency, and the physical and emotional toll he often inflicted on her and their children.
While the alcohol abuse decreased for a brief period, as is often the case in the cycle of domestic violence, the promises Ms Knight’s ex-partner made were soon broken.
“He asked what man I’d had at the house because I wasn’t working at the time,” she said.
“He’d smash bottles around the house when he got angry, he’d hit the walls, he’d hit me, he’d hit the kids.
“He took nine and a half years of my life and destroyed it. It took every inch of me to build the courage up over time to finally leave him … he took my soul, basically.”
The day Ms Knight received the call for a full-time position marked a pivotal moment in her life.
After years of hard work to improve her circumstances, Ms Knight saw the call as an opportunity to escape the struggles that had defined her reality.
With a sense of hope and determination, she envisioned a new future for herself and her daughters, freeing them from a violent situation.
“I then started to build courage up more and go ‘Right, I’m going to start looking for houses, and leave,’ and I did,” she said.
“My rental history with my ex-partner was not the best. It was quite tarnished, to the point that there were issue notices quite a lot of times saying, ‘You’re being evicted if the rent’s not paid.’
“The only way I could actually get a house was to get my mum to go on the lease, which she did, and then I got accepted for a house, and we basically moved in from there.”
Once she had moved, Ms Knight issued an intervention order (IVO) against her ex-partner.
Facing her past
Despite the IVO being in place, it quickly became apparent that Ms Knight’s past would refuse to remain in the shadows.
In June this year, she stopped at her local Coles with her daughters and came across her ex-partner and his new partner.
Before she could exit the parking lot, her ex-partner’s new partner began following Ms Knight, violating the order that prohibits the respondent from prompting someone to act against its terms.
It wasn’t until she called police that they finally left her alone.
When Ms Knight returned home later that night, her body was in a state of shock, and her family struggled for months to recover from the incident.
“Two days straight I was physically shaking … I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t move, my whole body was shaking … I couldn’t care for my special needs daughter,” she said.
“It took us months to get back to where we needed to be. We’ve only gotten back on a good mental health track now.
“It’s very hard to be strong for my clients that I work with, as well as my own children, while fighting this situation, and not having any answers at all.”
A better system
The June incident was a stark reminder that much more needed to be done to protect domestic violence survivors.
Ms Knight said the process of reporting the incident to the police was overly cumbersome, claiming that it took more than 12 weeks for police to interview her ex-partner and his new partner.
“That’s my concern, because if it’s taking the police this long—I feel sorry for anyone else that is going through what I’m going through that could be at the brink of almost death,” she said.
“No one should have the extra stress of having to wait over 12 weeks to hear if they’re going to be safe or not.”
In October, Ms Knight appeared in court to renew the IVO. However, she was asked to return at a later date to re-present her case with additional information.
While Ms Knight acknowledged the safety measures for domestic violence survivors that were in place, she emphasised that ‘something had to give’ in a system where survivors often had to fight their battles alone, caught in a never-ending cycle of fear and uncertainty.
“Systems need to be put in place, to have things moving quicker, to stop things like this happening, and stop deaths happening,” she said.
Her new world
Stronger and more resilient than ever before, Ms Knight said she has now found happiness in her new environment, new partner, and the joy of watching her children grow and mature through the challenges they have faced.
“I am a lot stronger than I think I am because I didn’t think I’d be able to do this,” she said.
Ms Knight still wishes she had left earlier, and advised other women and survivors of domestic violence to speak up.
“The best advice I can give, and this is going on that I wish I had done this earlier, is don’t be afraid to speak out to anyone,” she said.
“There’s so many services out there. Always make sure that you have a backup for whatever it is, so if something happens to you and your children, or your loved ones, you are safe.”
Helplines
If you or someone you know needs help or support, the following services are available to help:
The Orange Door: 1800 634 245, www.orangedoor.vic.gov.au
Safe Steps (24/7 Family Violence Response Line): 1800 015 188
1800 RESPECT (24/7 sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service): 1800 737 732
Nexus Primary Health: 1300 773 352
Men’s Referral Service: (24/7 professional support and information service for Australian men): 1300 466 491
Seniors Rights Victoria: 1300 368 821
The Bridge Youth Service: Seymour (03) 5799 1298 or Wallan (03) 5799 1298
Rainbow Door: 1800 729 367
InTouch Multicultural Centre Against Family Violence: 1800 755 988
Rumbalara Aboriginal Co-operative: 5820 0000
Djirra Aboriginal Family Violence Prevention and Legal Services: 1800 105 303, djirra.org.au.
