Gender-based violence does not discriminate—not on age, physical build, or even employment status.
As a result, many men and their children suffer from family violence too.
While women remain the primary victims of gender-based violence, it is important to acknowledge that men can also be affected by this devastating cycle of abuse.
Men may face unique barriers to seeking help, such as societal expectations of strength and stoicism, which can often silence their experiences.
However, the impact of violence on men—whether through physical harm, emotional trauma, or the distress of witnessing violence against their children—cannot be ignored.
We must support all victims of family violence, regardless of gender, and work to create a society where everyone feels safe and supported in seeking help.
Local father John* recently came forward to share his experience as a victim of gender-based violence.
This is his story.
***
Who could imagine that a tall, strong man, employed for 14 years as a security guard would become a victim of family violence?
Yet John, now 52, was often the victim of both physical and emotional abuse at the hands of his now ex-wife.
Their marriage formally ended in 2009, but their shared custody continued to be so problematic that John contacted the Department of Human Services and relocated to be closer to his children, just in case.
In one instance, the children reported that they could not wake their mother up to get to school.
“The power was cut off, she wasn’t paying the bills,” John said.
“The children were being dressed like they were homeless and going to school without breakfast. There was more than enough money for the fees and the uniforms. There was child support from me.”
Alarmed that the children were not having their basic needs met, John spoke to his children’s school for assistance. But the school’s response, indifferent and insensitive to the family’s situation, deeply angered John.
“The school told me, ‘Listen, just tell the kids to come to school and we’ll give them breakfast,’” he said.
“[My kids] did that, and when they got there, the school said, ‘We don’t know what you’re talking about, we don’t have anything for you.’”
Driven by his love and concern for his children, John began representing himself in court to be granted full custody, appearing 10 times to plead his case.
“I felt there was a lot of prejudice against me for being a male,” he said.
“And I know why they did that—they have to be sure—and we were the exception to the rule.
“It’s a very sad, sad, story that could have ended worse as there were often beatings that my children endured.
“There were a lot of hints and clues, but the kids were in way too much fear to speak up and to say too much until they were out of that situation.”
Sadly, full custody of both children was not granted, and the siblings were separated.
John’s daughter stayed with her mother, and his son with him.
To guide his children through family violence, John, a keen movie buff (and proud Jurassic Park fan) introduced a reflective experience to his children that involved watching movies and nature documentaries, followed by conversations around socially normal behaviour.
For himself, John called upon his faith, since Australian Roman Catholic priest Father Bob Maguire had always been a positive influence and anchor.
***
Concerningly, over time, John’s ex-wife’s behaviour became increasingly aggressive, and she began stalking, harassing, and damaging his property.
Three years later, John had no other choice but to change his phone number and email address, and apply to the Broadmeadows Magistrates’ Court for a Family Violence Intervention Order (FVIO).
Yet despite a well-documented history of family violence, the application was refused. John wrote to the Australian Government Attorney-General’s Office Department of Family Law with his concerns, but their advice was to simply follow a feedback complaints process.
***
John’s children are in their twenties now, and he is proud of their accomplishments, especially in the face of adversity. His daughter is a social worker, and his son is a qualified mechanic.
“I only got one apology from [my ex-wife] and it meant a lot,” he said.
“She’s never apologised to my kids though. Never. She has no idea how much that would mean to them and how much it would help her and them.”
Looking back, a favourite movie quote from Jurassic Park continues to resonate even today, with John adapting the famous quote, ‘Life will find a way,’ to ‘Love will find a way.’
*Name has been changed.
