#16DaysOfActivism
Mia* is one of the millions of Australian adults who have suffered abuse from a partner – and one of the millions who have doubted when it is ‘justified’ to leave.
After surviving a long-term abusive relationship, Mia hopes to alleviate suspicion and inspire victims of abuse to leave at the early signs of possessiveness and control.
Love or oppression?
While depictions of abusive relationships often only illustrate the worst, Mia said it was her ex-partner’s kindness, promises, and ‘love bombing’ that kept her at his side.
“Very quickly, there was this adoration. I was put up on this massive pedestal, I was given gifts every day, he wanted to see me every day,” Mia said.
“I saw this guy with a massive social media persona, great dad, really kind.”
Soon after the pair began dating, Mia said she saw ‘cracks’ forming and found herself being controlled.
What began with the silent treatment when she had ‘done something wrong’ turned into her being denied access to the bank account, unable to leave the house alone, her social media accounts compromised, constant questioning and her location being tracked.
“For me, in my mind, I needed to prove to him that I’ve got nothing to hide, so I did what he asked,” Mia said.
“I didn’t realise I was vulnerable until he came along.”
With her self-worth questioned by her partner, Mia’s priority was ‘being better’, not leaving her partner.
“It was always just ‘what did I do?’, ‘what did I say wrong?’ and I would be apologising for anything he perceived I’d done wrong,” she said.
“I was watching my children do the same.”
Mia said the intimidation was felt throughout her household in a ‘horrible tension’.
She hadn’t heard of narcissism, coercive control or love bombing – each often present in abusive relationships.
“I didn’t want to say anything because he was this amazing man who was going to come home with a big bunch of flowers and tell me how beautiful I am,” Mia said.
“Anytime I second-guessed him or the relationship, there would be more flowers, there’d be more social media posts about how amazing I was and how in love he was. And if I didn’t do the same, he would get really angry.”
Mia wished she had seen the signs in the early stages of her relationship – already enough to justify her departure.
“The love hearts and the flowers and the social media posts professing love go hand-in-hand with the things you don’t want to acknowledge,” she said.
“Allow yourself to take those rose-coloured glasses off and see it.”
Escalation
Mia recalled the day she knew it was time to leave.
“When he was standing there, pulling everything about me apart, and I was listening to the absolute disgust in his voice when he was talking to me,” Mia said.
“I realised in that argument that it was going to escalate and that I was waiting for a fist to be raised.
“This time I just [said] I have to leave now – this is it.”
With her child, Mia left in fear for her safety, but the abuse prevailed.
The bank account she had shared with her ex-partner was wiped of funds, leaving Mia ‘backed into a corner’.
“My daughter kept saying to me that she was scared that I was gonna go back, and I’d say ‘darling, I promise you, we’re out and I won’t go back to that life,” she said.
Mia’s ex-partner located her new residence and would often show up uninvited.
“I was always on edge,” she said.
“I just kept thinking that if I just don’t say anything and I keep the peace as much as possible, he’d stop.”
Mia’s ex-partner became physically violent at her property, causing damage to her property and threatening her with a weapon.
While in an emergency situation, Mia still doubted the significance of the circumstances and called the non-emergency police line.
“[You] feel like you have to downplay the behaviours because admitting it made me feel like ‘how have I made such a massive mistake here?’,” she said.
The police attended the scene before Mia was injured.
It’s time to go
By sharing her story, Mia hoped to break a commonly-held misconception that gendered abuse was always physical.
“Domestic violence has always been [associated with] being beaten up and hiding the bruises,” she said.
“But I wasn’t allowed to have a bank account. He planned everything, he booked the appointments, and he had control of everything.
“I kept saying, ‘he doesn’t hit me’. I still didn’t understand that in all these years I’d been abused because he wasn’t punching me in the face.”
Mia urged victims to recognise financial and emotional abuse as reasons to leave a relationship.
“I just want them to maybe pay more attention to the things they don’t want to pay attention to,” she said.
“Sometimes you’ve got to ignore the grand gestures and pay attention to the details.
“It’s being told as an adult that you need to finish your dinner, it’s listening to the way they’re speaking to the children and seeing the tension in your children’s face, it’s seeing the secrets that your kids hide, it’s noticing all of these things and not being scared to acknowledge these things.
“You can always start over. He left me with nothing, he took everything, but I started over.”
A just system?
Mia, like thousands of people across Australia, is calling on the justice system to better protect victims of domestic violence after a perpetrator is reported.
Though Mia feared for her life at the hands of her partner, he was granted bail.
“[The justice system] is not made easy, it’s not made to feel safe, it’s not made to feel like there’s somewhere for me to go,” Mia said.
“Women don’t leave because they don’t feel heard, they don’t feel like they’re protected.”
Mia said despite the journey being difficult and scary, escaping her perpetrator was the right decision.
“For me, I’d rather sleep in my car. I’m saving myself and my child,” she said.
Mia’s residence remains unknown to her perpetrator.
“For such a long time I didn’t feel safe, and then suddenly I realised this man can do nothing at all and continue to control my life,” she said.
“I didn’t want to give him that power anymore.”
• The name Mia has been used to protect the identity of individuals.
• If you or someone you know needs help or support: call police on triple zero (in an emergency); The Orange Door on 1800 634 245 or visit www.orangedoor.vic.gov.au; or Safe Steps (24/7 Family Violence Response Line) on 1800 015 188.
